Dogma - 1999

View Askew Productions

Written and Directed by Kevin Smith

Cast:

• Bethany – Linda Fiorentino
• Liz – Janeane Garofalo
• Loki – Matt Damon
• Bartleby – Ben Affleck
• Metatron – Alan Rickman
• Azrael – Jason Lee
• Rufus – Chris Rock
• Serendipity – Salma Hayek
• Jay – Jason Mewes
• Silent Bob – Kevin Smith
• God – Alanis Morrisette
• Cardinal Glick – George Carlin

Story: The Catholic church has come up with a new way to get people in the door: a massive new campaign called Catholicism WOW!, starring the new symbol of the church, the Buddy Christ. In order to kick off this campaign, they have come up with a special dispensation for all newcomers: you walk through the doors of the church and BINGO, all your sins are automatically forgiven! This is great news for Loki and Bartleby, two angels who have been kicked out of heaven and sentenced to Wisconsin, for if they can renounce their immortal status as angels and enter the church, they can die as men and return to heaven. If they do, they will have negated God's word, and they will unwittingly undo all of creation. To stop them from accomplishing their mission, Metatron, a special angel who acts as the voice of God, contacts Bethany, the last Scion, and charges her with a mission from God. She is aided on her mission by Jay and Silent Bob, and Rufus, the unnamed 13th apostle. Azrael, a demon from the hell, commands the Stygian Triplets, three demons who have already placed God in a coma. Will the demon succeed in helping the angels to enter the church and negate all of creation?

Review: Kevin Smith will be serving an eternity in hell for writing and directing this movie, and we will all be joining him for enjoying it. This young genius, the creator of Clerks, Mallrats, and the unnamed leader of counterculture has succeeded in making the perfect statement about the dogma of the Catholic church, and he has done it in a way sure to offend any devout Catholic. The rest of us, however, are free to laugh our asses off as we roll through all the irony, comedy, and sarcasm of the film. Linda Fiorentino is amazing as Bethany, and the woman deserves an Oscar in the category of “How in the world did you manage to keep a straight face in the midst of all that”. Having Jay and Silent Bob, the icons born of Kevin's previous films, as Bethany's protectors and prophets was nothing short of genuis (a word I tend to use a lot when I talk about Kevin Smith), and allows Kevin to reprise the role we all love so well. Salma Hayek plays Serendipity, the muse who fell to Earth, who can inspire everyone else except herself. Chris Rock, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Jason Lee, all veterans born of Kevin's films, perform with perfection, making this an exceptional piece of satire, parody, comedy, and art all rolled into one. Definitely rated R for language, nudity, violence and general poor taste (by the Catholics, that is), this is one of those films to watch when the kids are in bed. Collectible for everyone except devout Catholics, who will probably do time in purgatory for even mentioning its name, let alone watching it.

Rustler's Rhapsody - 1985

Paramount Pictures, Impala, Tesauro S.A.

Written and Directed by Hugh Wilson

Cast:

• Rex O'Herlihan – Tom Berenger
• Peter – G. W. Bailey
• Miss Tracy – Marilu Henner
• Colonel Ticonderoga – Andy Griffith
• Railroad Colonel – Fernando Rey
• Colonel's Daughter – Sela Ward
• Bob Barber – Patrick Wayne

Story: A tribute to the serial westerns of the silver screen. Sort of. Rex O'Herlihan is the Singing Cowboy who rides into town to save the day from the evil cattle baron and his henchmen. He's not psychic, but he seems to know exactly what will happen in every town he rides into. Peter, the town drunk, is enthralled by Rex's smooth manners and fast draw, not to mention his exceptional wardrobe. He soon signs on with Rex as his sidekick, and together they fight for the rights of the townspeople and the sheepherders against Colonel Ticonderoga and the Railroad Colonel. All the thrills and suspense of the Saturday morning matinees of the late 1930's and 1940's, without the bloodshed or death.

Review: I was born in 1952, so I must have been about 10 years old when my brother and I were dropped off at the local theater in Waukegan along with a couple of hundred other kids to watch the Saturday morning matinees. In our days it was Flash Gordon, Sky King, and Commander Cody, all legendary “cliff hangers”, which meant they would always end the episode with the hero in danger and you would have to come back next week to see what happened. In the 1930's and '40's, the theme was the American West, and the heroes all rode stallions of white or gold, had two guns, sang and played guitar, and wore white hats. Tom Mix was the silent movie hero, then came Gene Autry, Randolf Scott, and later Roy Rogers. This well written parody takes all those memories and rolls them up in a pleasingly benign story that incorporates the old and the new. Language and sexuality are not an issue, so the kids can watch without worry. While there is a lot of innuendo, nothing is explicit enough to warrant anything more than a PG rating, and I think that is a little excessive. Not necessarily a collectible, but worth a viewing on a Saturday morning with the kids, just before they head out to play.